Funny One Liners

"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body

In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills?” Those are listening charges.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on !!

Many creatures have brains. Man alone has mind

There is no money in poetry, but then there's no poetry in money either

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen

The biggest mystery about opportunity is that it looks insignificant when it is coming, but very big when it is gone.

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