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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the Unit...ed States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
Once three sardars decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
So, the youngest sardar said he would go home and get the soda if the others promised not to eat the sandwiches until he got back. ...
An hour, a couple of hours, then all day went by.
Both sardars were now very hungry.
Finally one of the sardars said: “Oh, come on, he is not going to be back. Let’s eat the sandwiches.”
Suddenly, the youngest sardar popped up from behind a rock and said: “If you do, I wont go.”
You love someone, You marry someone else !
The one you marry becomes your spouse !
And the one you loved becomes ............
.
the password of your mail id !!*
सरदार अपनी पत्नी से फ़ोन कर के बोला "में घर नहीं आ सकता कार का स्टीयरिंग, गियर, ब्रेक सब चोरी हो गया है"
पत्नी: वाहे गुरु यह क्या हो गया, चोर उसका क्या करेगा ...
सरदार एक घंटे बाद फ़ोन कर के बोला "में घर आ रहा हूँ, वो में गलती से पीछे वाली सीट पर बैठ गया था"
(1) What's the difference between a fly & a mosquito?
Simple!
A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito!!
(2) What did baby corn ask mom corn???
Where is Pop corn?
(3) Why is the River Rich?
It has two Banks!
(4) What do computers like to eat?
Chips!
(5) Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to School???
She had a Bright Student.
(6) When does Gulshan Grover become Gulshan Grocer.???
Ans: When he travels with the speed of light.(At that Speed, V=C)
(Velocity = Constant).
Husband and wife are like liver and kidney.
Husband is the liver and the wife is the kidney.
If the liver fails, the kidney fails.
If the kidney fails ......... the liver manages with other kidney !!
A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the
crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians
told the man that if he left, they could all go home.
"It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all
those folding chairs."
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoyPigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
In other words, Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work
I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending
I saw a bumper sticker that said "I Miss New York." So I smashed their window and stole their GPS.
Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.
Good friends make the world go round, but good tequila makes the room go round
Dessert is how I apologize for the dinner
Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.
Here's a little basic medical advice.. If it feels good, don't do it.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."
During a visit to the mental hospital, one newspaper reporter asked the Director How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted
to the hospital.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, the reporter said. A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No. the Director continued,
A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Doctor calls assistants and says Admit him!!
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else's
If you look into the eyelets of this shoe, you can see its sole.
No man will listen to you talk, if he didn't know it was his turn next
Terrorist hijacked 747 plane full of lawyers ! Threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met
Nothing goes right with me. I bought a new watch... shockproof and waterproof... It caught on fire.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Do farmers ever know how many sheep they have? Or do they just fall asleep trying to count them.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
My wife's away for the weekend. How often are you supposed to water children?
I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.
A dog's bark may be worse than his bite, but everyone prefers his bark.
If this is a Smart car, why are we so lost? ...and cramped?
A cannibal is a guy that goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter ! ~ ha ha ha !!
Cannibals are not vegetarians. They are humanitarians !
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication
engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had
never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an
admission into it ..
What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in
12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.
But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not
invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I
will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the
most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete
your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But
you know, these cricket matches and football
world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate.
So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took
4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I
will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good,
thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think
they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be
banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never
thought I would complete it. In fact, when i
flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus
corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower'
education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms
have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my
current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my
platform then. As you can see I have
experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in
Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet
in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a
higher version than VB. I heard very soon they
are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e
times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.
Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining
BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know
Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to
dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And
very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not
have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear
t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so
as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer
US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is
Olympics coming up in
China in the current year, I don't mind
going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't
have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS.
The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management'
in
the HRD of Infosys Pune.......
"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body
In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills?” Those are listening charges.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on !!
There is no money in poetry, but then there's no poetry in money either
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
The biggest mystery about opportunity is that it looks insignificant when it is coming, but very big when it is gone.
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man,
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But, sir! I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
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