Indian HomeMaker do visit- There's only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.
Showing posts with label one liners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label one liners. Show all posts
(1) What's the difference between a fly & a mosquito?
Simple!
A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito!!
(2) What did baby corn ask mom corn???
Where is Pop corn?
(3) Why is the River Rich?
It has two Banks!
(4) What do computers like to eat?
Chips!
(5) Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to School???
She had a Bright Student.
(6) When does Gulshan Grover become Gulshan Grocer.???
Ans: When he travels with the speed of light.(At that Speed, V=C)
(Velocity = Constant).
I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending
I saw a bumper sticker that said "I Miss New York." So I smashed their window and stole their GPS.
Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.
Good friends make the world go round, but good tequila makes the room go round
Dessert is how I apologize for the dinner
Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.
Here's a little basic medical advice.. If it feels good, don't do it.
Bungee Jumping... Suicide with strings attached.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone'
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues
The citrus grove foreman; "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" The applicant; "Sure, I've been divorced three times."
There is no record in human history of a happy philosopher
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else's
If you look into the eyelets of this shoe, you can see its sole.
No man will listen to you talk, if he didn't know it was his turn next
Terrorist hijacked 747 plane full of lawyers ! Threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met
Nothing goes right with me. I bought a new watch... shockproof and waterproof... It caught on fire.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Do farmers ever know how many sheep they have? Or do they just fall asleep trying to count them.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
My wife's away for the weekend. How often are you supposed to water children?
I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.
A dog's bark may be worse than his bite, but everyone prefers his bark.
If this is a Smart car, why are we so lost? ...and cramped?
A cannibal is a guy that goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter ! ~ ha ha ha !!
Cannibals are not vegetarians. They are humanitarians !
"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body
In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills?” Those are listening charges.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on !!
There is no money in poetry, but then there's no poetry in money either
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
The biggest mystery about opportunity is that it looks insignificant when it is coming, but very big when it is gone.
It is everyone's destiny to one day wake up, when illusion has exhausted itself & has no more tricks to play
Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia
Crisis n deadlock wen dey occur at least hv dis advntg dat dey force us 2 think.
If hold your breath you will lose your breath. Hold on to anything & you will lose it. Let go & it will come back to you
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist. :)
A lot of movies are about life, mine are like a slice of cake. -Alfred Hitchcock
Security is not the meaning of life. Great opportunities are worth the risks
Into one grain, there come a hundred harvests. In a single heart is a whole world contained
What do whales eat? Fish and ships.
I've wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. - Oscar Wilde
I laugh in the face of danger. But it’s a silent laugh. And I pretend I’m looking at someone else
Expectation is the killer !!
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. -- Robert Orben
The real reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
Yoga class is great. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your couch not doing yoga.
Today, so far you have failed to impress me. I am, however, willing to remain open minded.
You know those neighbors who spy on you and then blab to everyone else? My neighbors have one of those.
"How did you find the weather on your vacation?" "I just went outside and there it was."
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me
I'm not going to lie to you. You are very attractive when I've had six or nine beers
My wife, it’s difficult to say what she does....she sells sea shells on the sea shore
Why are all the unpacking instructions inside the box?
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. - Oscar Wilde
My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn't do better. I couldn't do worse.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer.... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
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